I've Lost It
I've lost it. Completely. Totally. Lost it.
No, Not my mind. Though at times it feels like I've lost that, too.
I've lost the plot. My direction. I've forgotten why I do what I do. I've missed the point of all my work and efforts in the last few months.
I found myself suddenly shorthanded, and my life became about completing lists and checking off tasks. Just trying to "keep up" so I wouldn't feel so much like a fraud. My focus has been on myself and how I appear. I have this overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing. Yet, I know I'm supposed to be here, doing this work.
I do creative work because I love it. I've tried other things (IT, sales, and more), but nothing quite fits like design and creative thinking. I work in the Church because I felt that's what God wanted me to do. I call it "calling". Creativity in any other space doesn't feel the same as creative work in the Kingdom.
I find myself in a leadership role at my church through a strange set of circumstances that I can only attribute to God. When it's all added up, I know I'm supposed to be here, doing what I'm doing.
The point of creative work in Church isn't to make pretty things for God. It isn't to create something that will "save souls". God doesn't need, nor want, my pretty things and I couldn't save a soul if tried (that's God's business).
I'm not sure I've found the point yet. Certainly not after one Christmas Eve morning of thinking about it.
But I want to connect people to someone who loves them deeply.
I'm not sure how exactly to keep tabs on that in the face of a constantly growing mountain of check boxes.
How do you keep the main thing, the main thing, amidst a mountain of check boxes?